Sunday, December 17, 2006

Relationship Enrichment - Dr. John Gray 1 of 3

Dr. Gray mentioned as a preamble to his talk that when his book ‘Men are from Mars, Women from Venus’ had come out he was questioned whether one can make generalizations in terms of the behaviour of men and women. The only response he gave was whether they resonated with what was written in the book and 100% of the time they replied ‘Yes’.

1. The differences between Men and Women are universal. Women all over the world complain that “He doesn’t understand”. “He doesn’t listen”. “Only time he touches me is when he wants sex”. And men all over the world complain that “She doesn’t want to have enough of sex.” (Unless the woman is around 37 years. At this magical age women want more of sex than ever before.)

2. Women like affection from men much more than sex. They want to be hugged. John learnt to hug his wife.

3. Men like to be logical. Women like to share and talk even if there is no point in their sharing and talking. Men need to have an objective. They need to see the point in doing something. They can’t share for the sake of sharing.

4. Men tend to do one thing at a time. Women do many things at a time. Men have a tunnel vision. 95% of their attention is focused on just one thing and 5% on checking of the environment. Women are just the opposite. They are continuously taking in everything that there is in the environment whether it is useful or not.

5. John narrated the incident of his wife asking him to get some milk while coming home from work. He forgets. She considerately puts it down to his thinking of work. She asks him again. Again he forgets. She takes it personally. It’s not that the milk was forgotten but that she was forgotten. Women behave in this manner.

6. Men have their own caves on which the sign states “Please do not disturb.” Men like to retreat into their own world where they feel they are in control. Women also have caves but the sign on their caves is “I need to talk”. When a man asks a woman what’s wrong and she says “Nothing” it really means “Nothing, unless you care to listen and give me an opportunity to talk.”

7. 90% of women go into therapy because they want to be listened to. They want to be asked questions. They want to feel special. Men hate to be questioned. If men want to talk they’ll talk. If they don’t want to talk they won’t. When a man is locked in his cave, the woman thinks that something is wrong with him and goes in and asks questions. This is a wrong move for the woman to make. Men hate to be interrogated.

8. When a woman touches a man she may want to be cuddled. But for a man anywhere he is touched leads to Rome and he thinks therefore that it has to lead to sex.

9. Men want to forget the problems of the day. Women want to remember. A man will say “Forget it, it’s no big deal.” For a woman she will not rest till the problem is talked about. Her response to the man, who wants to just forget about it and not make a big deal out of it, will be “How can you be so insensitive.”

10. Men should never tell a woman how she should feel. In fact if she is unhappy, the man needs to be unhappy with her for a while instead of offering advice.

11. If the man is at a loss for saying anything when the woman is feeling bad then instead of offering advice he could build her up a bit by saying “I know how much you work during the day to make the kids and myself feel happy. It must be very exhausting.” Her unconscious response would be “He understands.” The woman craves for understanding.

12. Women make noises to get attention. Men make noises to signal “Please leave me alone.”

13. To cope with stress, sometimes, women while speaking tend to speak in long sentences and then pause. Men think that the pause is a signal for saying something. Wrong. For the woman the pause is just a semi-colon. Men need to restrain themselves in giving advice.

14. When a woman is upset and a man tries to give a solution 99% of the time her response will be “Yes….but”. When she is relaxed then give the solution. After she has been given the opportunity to talk about it.

15. If a man tries to walk in a woman’s shoes, she will be more willing to understand his point of view. Men tend to expect women to agree with their point of view because they feel it is obviously the best point of view.

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